Zimmer Zen

Buddhism is attracting a lot of young people - which is a good thing of course - but what can it still offer us elders who have been involved for many decades ? Well quite a lot actually, so welcome to the launch of the little known "Zimmer Zen"school of Buddhism.

Zimmer Zen was founded by its one and only Patriarch "Sid Arthur-itis" after his retirement at the age of 65. According to legend, it seems he was unhappy in his retirement and often ventured out beyond the confines of his nursing home. One day, whilst sat at a local pond feeding the dukkhas he saw three things that changed his life forever and brought forth what we now know as "Zimmer Zen". Unfortunately, he forgot what they were so the origins of this school of Buddhism are forever lost in the mists of time.

Nevertheless, over time his teachings were formulated and have come down to us thus:

The Four Zimmer Truths

1) Bones get creaky, skin gets crinkly and brains get forgetful
2) The cause of all of this is getting older
3) There is a way to make it all a bit easier to cope with
4) All you have to do is follow the Eightfold Zimmer Path

The Eightfold Zimmer Path

1) Right Eating -make sure you eat lots of fruit and vegetables (avoid baked beans if you can)
2) Right Exercise - do lots of walking, dancing and "horizontal yoga" (as long as you can manage it safely)
3) Right Viewing - choose your TV channels and DVD's carefully
4) Right Speech - try to avoid swearing at those who annoy you - if you can
5) Right Livelihood - make sure you collect your pension and apply for all the benefits you are entitled to
6) Right Thought - be positive and take up a new interest (e.g. sky-diving) if possible
7) Right Mindfulness - pay attention to what's going on around and within you, but try not be too nosey and don't gossip to others about what you discover
8) Right Mobility - when it's hard to mobilise without help - think Zimmer!

Future Development

Zimmer Zen will only really appeal to those who have been involved with Buddhism for many years so unfortunately an age limit has been imposed on anyone wishing to practice within this tradition. Proof of age may be asked for (pension book or buss pass acceptable)

The Sound of Silence

It's been eight months since I last posted and since then I have become older - but not much wiser!

A while ago I watched the 1965 film The Sound of Music and was surprised to find that I quite enjoyed it so I got to wondering - whatever happened to Julie Andrews ? It seems she's in her 70s now and no longer sings, but when I googled her name I came across an entry that said she had sung an "updated" version of her song "My Favourite Things". It went like this:

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up with string,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with with swings,
These are a few of my favourite things.

When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad
I simply remember my favourite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions
No spicy hot foods or food cooked with onions
Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring
These are a few of my favourite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin'
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin'
And we won't mention our short shruken frames,
When we remember our favourite things.

When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

It's doubtful that she actually sang this, and is widely recognised as an urban myth, but it's funny nevertheless.

When time flies, when we face our dotage, laughter is a great comfort.

And then I don't feel so bad...

It's Good To Talk: The Importance of Dialogue

Where religion is concerned, it seems to me that when the talking stops the knives tend to come out. Buddhism, which tends to be perceived as a peaceful religion, has relied upon our willingness to talk to each other (rather rather kill or harm each other) to get its message across. I was attracted to the Dharma during the early 1970s because it did promote that spirit of free enquiry which encourages human beings to enter into dialogue with each other rather than go in search of a knife-sharpener.

Whilst dusting off some of the books I've had on my shelves these past 30 years, I came across the long forgotten "Outlines of Mahayana Buddhism" by the Zen scholar D T Suzuki, which was first published in 1907. My paperback version was re-published in 1963 by Schocken Books with a "prefatory essay" by the late Alan Watts. This is what Watts has to say about the importance of dialogue:

"When Buddhism is called the dharma, the word has the meaning of method rather than doctrine. For, speaking very strictly, there are no Buddhist doctrines. The method is essentially a dialogue between a Buddha, a person who is awakened to his real identity, and an ordinary individual who experiences himself as a seperate being.

"The dialogue begins when the latter raises a question, which may be as radical and simple as how to escape from suffering. What happens then is that the teacher (though the Asian idea of a guru is not really what we mean by a teacher) proposes an experiment. He does not give an answer, but rather suggests something that the enquirer might do to test the grounds upon which he bases the problem. He may suggest that since suffering is the consequence of desire, the solution is to eliminate desire, and then send the enquirer away to try that.

"Thus what appear to be the doctrines of Buddhism, as that the origin of suffering is desire or craving, are in fact only the opening stages of a dialogue (involving also a series of experiments) - a dialogue that may conclude in a way that is hardly foreshadowed at the beginning."

Given our current climate I'm all for softening our tounges rather than sharpening our knives.

Say It With Flowers

When my dad died we had a family discussion about what kind of floral tributes would be appropriate at his funeral. As he had no religious views of any kind, we felt we wanted to offer something that would reflect what was important in his life. So, being a keen darts player all his life the answer was obvious - a dartboard wreath (shown here).

Less than a week after my dad's funeral I attended another. Chris, a friend of my brother Keith, died unexpectedly at the age of 38. My brother and Chris were regular skiers so Keith decided on a floral tribute depicting a pair of skis on a snowy slope and it was...well, pretty cool!

When I went to the florists to pay the bill for my dad's wreath, going through the door I had to stand to one side as they were on their way out carrying a three-foot square rubik cube! I was much impressed and asked the lady what other unusual floral tributes she had been asked to provide. She told me she had once been asked to come up with two cigarettes which would cover the whole length of the coffin! Apparently, the man had died from lung cancer and when he made his will he requested that his family do this in the hope that it would act as a reminder.

I'll obviously have to give this a bit of thought where my own funeral is concerned. At the moment I quite fancy a floral tribute depicting a Waterstone's book token. I just hope the florist is up to the challenge!

On Being An Orphan

On Sunday 6 July I became an orphan - at the age of 58.

My 95-year old dad (that's him in the photo taken sometime during the late 1960s in his local) finally gave in to the inevitability of growing older around tea-time, sitting by his bed in a residential home. I spoke to his GP after his death who said he would be putting "frailty of old age" as the cause of death. For the past few weeks he had been surviving on nothing more than ice cream, ensure - and beer. Sounds about right to me.

In a way, this is fitting as the only real interest he had in life was playing darts which, of course, involved spending a lot of time in pubs. He was a very good darts player in his time and won many awards but in the process also retained his love of the amber nectar - and who could blame him as he was the product of his generation I guess.

So long dad. And cheers!
telum ludus victor

Living Dangerously

Well, since my last post I have come across a lovely little book that shows how we can live dangerously, despite the growing number of stupid rules, regulations and risk assessments that seem to have taken over our lives.

In his funny but thought-provoking little book " How To Live Dangerously: Why we should all stop worrying and start living" Warwick Cairns tells us that if you are worried about someone abducting one of your kids you would need to lock them out of your house every day for 200,000 years before they were taken (and even then you would get them back within 24 hours). And if you are afraid of flying you would have to fly every day for the next 26,000 years to die in a crash - during which time you were more likely to die 20 times over just driving to the airport!

It's also interesting to note that more people were killed on the road in the US a year after 9/11 as a direct consequence of deciding not to fly after the tragedy. OK, these are just statistics. But we need to take notice of them if we are not to spend the rest of our lives staying in bed because we are frightened (and that ain't safe either by all accounts!). Warwick's message is that the world is full of risks and we can't avoid them. We imagine fears where there aren't any and take unnecessary risks when we should know better.

This is Warwick's final piece of advice:

"If you really want to live your life to the full, and if you want to do and see and feel all that it has to offer, then you need to push at your fear, to see how far it will let you go, and when and why and how it will let you do what you want. In return, it will push back on you, and you need to be prepared to give, and to bend to its will. And when it says, "this far and no further" and means it, sometimes you just have to stop, no matter how much you might want to do otherwise. If you do that, in the end you and fear will get to know and trust each other and learn how to rub along together just fine: and at that point you will know what it means to really live - and to live dangerously."

Apparently, 53 people die whilst posting on the internet every year in the UK so I need to get out of here!

How To Live Dangerously: Why We Should All Stop Worrying and Start Living
Warwick Cairns (2008)
Pan Macmillan

Living is Dangerous

I recently watched a local TV news item which made me smile. A Parish Council in West Sussex has decided to ban Bouncy Castles on any of its properties as a child was hurt whilst playing on one and the parents are apparently persuing it through the courts. Oh dear! It would seem that "risk assessments" are now more important than allowing kids to be what they are - just kids.
Still, this report has inspired me to take a new look at how dangerous my own life has become.

Here's part of my rather frightening day...

7.30am - Woke up bleary-eyed when the alarm went off, rolled over in bed to switch it off and fell on the floor. First thought: Why not sue the bed-makers as it's too high and definitely presents a hazard ?

8.00am - Made toast and coffee - burnt my fingers taking the bread out of the toaster. Second thought: Why not sue the toaster maker as there was no warning label to say that it would be hot once I switched it on ?

9.00am - Arrived at work and managed to bump into the corner of my desk - ouch! Third thought: Hey, why not sue the desk makers fror designing them with sharp edges!

After this, the rest of my day just went downhill...

Good job Siddhartha Gautama was born over 2000 years ago - these days the CSA would have gone after him for child maintainance!

Ho Hum!